We've (finally!) got a local show coming up next Wednesday, July 23rd, at the Knockout in San Francisco. We're really excited about the show because we'll be playing a bunch of new material, and we're playing with some good friends: The Boneless Children Foundation and the illustrious Uni & Her Ukelele. It'll be our first show with Uni since our tour, so you can expect tearful embraces, roller skates, and way too much jerky.

Please come join us on Wednesday, it's going to be a blast. The Knockout is at 3223 Mission St, the cover is a paltry $5, and we'll be getting things started at 9:30.
Also, if anyone's interested, the Mission Creek Music Video Showcase is tomorrow (Saturday) night at Artist's Television Access (992 Valencia). They'll be playing a bunch of sweet videos from local bands, including our newest video. If you've always wanted to see our video on the big screen and looking all good, this is the time. The cover is $7.

I debated whether or not to post on the Luther Burger here on Feats of Meat. Technically, the feat of the Luther Burger is in the meat surroundings, not in the meat itself. However since it is most definitely a feat, and meat is involved, and I make the rules, we're going to talk about the Luther Burger.

Legend (wikipedia) has it that the Luther Burger was invented when our hero Luther Vandross ordered a bacon cheeseburger at a Georgia restaurant. The waiter/cook explained sadly that they were out of buns. Luther, being the enterprising sort, brilliantly suggested that they just put the burger between donuts instead! They did, Mr. Vandross found it delicious, and the Luther Burger was born.

This brings us to yet another Feats of Meat hero: Mrs. Paula Dean. Paula Dean is very good at making things better (see her deep fried bacon wrapped mac and cheese). Paula saw a way to improve on the Luther Burger the only way that she knows how, by adding an egg!



Paula dubbed her new and improved creation "The Lady's Brunch Burger." Perfect.

And that's where the Feats of Meat test kitchen came in. We aimed not to improve on the Luther/Lady's Brunch Burger, only to duplicate it. Some things cannot be improved upon without risking death and dismemberment.

Our results were surprisingly positive. Much like the chicken fried bacon, the burger tasted great, but VERY guiltily so. Our Feats of Meat nutrition team researched and found that replacing a bun with a donut does not in fact add all that much calorie/bad stuff wise to a burger. This did not allow us to feel better about ourselves.

One thing the donut did add to the bacon egg cheeseburger was a nice hint of caramelized sweetness, much like getting some syrup on your bacon in the morning. In short, using donuts for hamburger buns is delicious. However, like most things we attempt here in the Feats of Meat test kitchen, not likely to be repeated. We want to live to conduct more experiments.

One thing I will note is that if (when) you try this, slice the donuts in half and grill the insides (non glazed sides) on the grill. Assemble the burger with the grilled sides out. This will make them much easier to handle, and also give you more delicious caramelized glaze.

Sadly, once again, all of our Feats of Meat tasters were too busy enjoying the fruits of our labor to take any photos (applications are being accepted for Feats of Meat documentarian). All we have to show for this one is this sad picture of a leftover Luther Burger, minus the delicious bacon and egg.



Rest assured that this one was the anomaly, and all the other burgers contained all the fixings (and looked as good as Paula's, I must say). We promise to be better about this sort of thing so you don't have to keep taking our word for it.

For those of you who sadly did not grow up near a Showbiz Pizza (or even worse, near the poor man's Showbiz Pizza, Chuck E Cheese), you may not be familiar with the Rock-afire Explosion. My condolences. No matter your childhood pizza party background, you cannot help but be proud that there are people out there who have preserved these animatronic wonders and are still pumping out the hits with them. Many more can be found here and here.

Now we just need to convince them to do a Rock-afire Explosion version of a Pants Pants Pants song. Stay tuned.

I'm guessing that most of you fan o' feats o' meat are familiar with the Instructables Bacon Placemat. Pure genius, yes. But we here at the Feats of Meat Test Kitchen had no need for a placemat (we're extremely neat eaters), but we did need a salad bowl. So we decided to adapt the Instructables methodology slightly and make ourselves a BACON BOWL. Here's what we did:

We started by delicately weaving our bacon into as large of a square as possible. Weaving with bacon is as fun as it looks.

As you can see from the beautifully intricate weave, we were not, as they say, "fucking around." We put the bacon weave in the oven and cooked it for approximately "forever."

After pulling it out of the oven, we molded the weave over an oven safe bowl. After cooling, the bacon was deemed not crispy enough, so we finished it in the microwave. I think this helped to hold the weave and bowl form, and this accidental step will be included the next time we bacon bowl.

Once the bacon cooled, we had ourselves a beautiful and surprisingly sturdy bacon bowl. So sturdy, in fact, that it could hold an entire SALAD!

And there, ladies and gentlemen, you have the healthiest thing you'll ever see on Feats of Meat.

We need to go bigger. The next step in the bacon bowl realm will be to attempt a circular construction. Maybe YOU want to try it? If you're too afraid, you can just wait and see how ours turns out. Meanwhile you can continue to serve your salads and omelettes in boring old non-edible bowls. I guess..

Convincing friends of mine to go see Panther last Friday night proved to be a much more difficult task than I thought it would. I figured that, like me, they would take one look at this video and immediately be convinced that the show could not be missed. But, alas, this was not the case. Just as I was starting to think that maybe it was time for some new friends, two brave souls committed to coming with me (perhaps motivated more by the fact the Attendee A went to high school with a member of Pickwick, and Attendee B is married to Attendee A and thus obligated to attend despite his expressed distaste for all things Panther).

Pickwick was great. They had this nice folky/atmospheric and almost ambient sound (I'm going to go with Sigur Ros covering Tom Waits). They also had a guitarist who seemed determined to use every guitar accessory/toy he could possibly think of. When he pulled out the bow for the last two songs, we knew he had accomplished his goal. It should be said, though, that he managed to pull it all off tastefully, which is a feat in and of itself (although the final song was a bit over the top).

The Botticellis were good, although not totally my cup of tea. I found them more remarkable for their tiny amplifiers and tiny drums. They looked like giants playing through these little box amps. The drummer towered over his tiny set, and appeared to be using a floor tom as his bass drum, which is sweet. The Botticellis also pulled off something that I've never seen before. You see, the Boticellis have another band (apparently consisting of the same members) called "Cotillion." For their last song, the band announced that they would be playing a "Cotillion song," and that Cotillion would be playing at Cafe du Nord this week. They then proceeded to play a song that sounded exactly like the Botticellis songs, only one of the guitarists played keyboards. Was that a "cover?" How does that work? Apparently the whole Hannah Montana/Myley Cyrus thing is trickling down into the indie world. We're going to start changing our name every song. To keep things fresh.

As Panther set up, it became apparent that the majority of the crowd had come to see the Botticellis (strange line up, pairing these bands together, by the way), as many streamed toward the exits. A healthy crowd stuck around, but it cleared up enough that we were able to stand front and center. This enabled us to witness a hilarious pre-show conversation between the lead singer and drummer. A very drunk and swaying drummer steadied himself on a pole while the singer asked him repeatedly if he could go and if he was going to be ok. The drummer (who looked enough like Randy Quaid's cousin Eddie from the National Lampoon movies to provide much entertainment) assured him that he was fine, spilled about half of his whiskey on the stage, and headed back to the kit.

Panther started their set, and the mild mannered, Obama pontificating lead singer that we had seen outside earlier quickly transformed into a flailing wailing psuedo psychopath. He was all over the stage (a floor around the stage), showing off all sorts of sick dance moves and delay assisted screams. Needless to say, I was sucked in from the very beginning. My personal favorite was his seemingly signature "frog bounce while fencing with the microphone." After the first song, the drummer announced that the crowd was "making them REALLY uncomfortable." Way to flip the script on them, Randy!

Panther's music seemed to alternate between genuinely enjoyable and genuinely annoying. They have a few good songs, and plenty of not so good ones. The draw here was certainly the stage show, and not as much the music (at least for me). I really loved some of the delayed vocal stuff he was doing, and definitely dug the completely random guitar solos, which were very obviously just random bad note, but were played with such fervor (including behind the head!) that they moved the audience just as any perfectly orchestrated and executed EVH opus. A well thought out guitar solo would have no place at a Panther show (although his strumming the opening of Pinball Wizard multiple times between songs was much appreciated).

Panther's between song banter was as entertaining as their songs. As the show went on, Randy appeared closer and closer to keeling over on the spot. Before each song, there had to be the requisite check to make sure the drummer was not about to vomit or die. They also made a point to thank the Botticellis many times, adding that "they fucking hate us!" I sort of hope that's true, because it's funny. Randy also insisted that the crowd play a game of "guess how old we are." After a number of shouts from the audience, the answer was revealed: "Fuck you."

I must say that I found Panther to be more enjoyable as a kind of performance art rather than a music concert, although the lines are constantly getting blurrier. No matter what you want to call it, it was a highly entertaining show. I was extremely disappointed when it ended, although the short set length may have had something to do with Randy's well being (I kid, Randy. He's a damn fine drummer, especially considering his inebriation).

In conclusion, my acquaintances that opted out of this show are damn fools. And since friends and family are quite possibly the only ones who read this site (and certainly the only ones who would have read this far!), this post is just to make you feel dumb for missing out. Hope you enjoyed Ghost Whisperer on Friday night!

On the occasion of our friend Taylor's 26th birthday, Benjamin McGriff (friend and feats of meat hero) prepared a wondrous 26 course meal. One course for each year of Taylor's existence. The overall experience was phenomenal, but one course stood head and shoulders above the rest: the chicken fried bacon.

Yes friends, bacon dredged in batter and flour and then fried in oil. Possibly the most disturbing element of the preparation was that, unlike ordinary bacon, the pan did not fill will the liquefied fat from the cooking bacon. No, the pan stayed mostly dry as the batter/flour mixture managed to retain all of the cooked fat, as well as soak up much of the oil it was cooked in.

Needless to say, this was quite a feat. I'm not sure that anyone could eat an entire piece (the author certainly could not). It was, as most described, almost embarrassingly delicious.

Sadly, the feats of meat camera crew was not there this day, so we have no documentation to offer you. However, I recently discovered this video which shows chicken fried bacon going public (in Texas, of course):

I'm not sure if Ben's version pre or post dates this, but that doesn't matter. We saw and tasted Ben's Chicken Fried Bacon in person, and that's where the Feats of Meat credit is going to go. The addition of cream gravy to the Tejas version deserves our applause, however.

Perhaps in celebration of the one year anniversary of us sending them the album, Matt Shimmer at Indieville.com has posted a review of Ok Fine. It's, like many of our reviews have been, mixed:

This interesting keyboard-infused pop album comes encased in a glossy origami-folded package (don't unwrap it, or you will fucking regret it!!), the most overt indication of Pants Pants Pants' quirky, electronic-heavy style. Their second album so far, this twelve-song collection endears its audience by way of (usually) cute female vocals and silly song structures. The latter characteristic, however, also causes Ok, Fine to fall flat on occasion. While catchy "Dino Love" and silly "Stay in School (Don't Play The Fool)" (dig the Horatio Sanz reference) are among the record's best, others (bizarre "Human Machines," too-long "You Have Died of Dysentery" [a reference to ancient educational computer game Oregon Trail]) drag down the fun due to weak melodies and mediocre overall sounds. Others, like Bettie Serveert-esque "Moonpretty" and experimental and compelling "Graphite" are almost really good, but fall just short of being completely realized. I'm not sure how often I will be pulling this disc out, though as far as goofy female-led pop music goes, this does the trick. A notable cover of Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" is included for good measure, replacing the PJ sound with a lighter pop vibe.

They also included this little fun fact:

Like Modest Mouse (which this band doesn't resemble in the least), Pants Pants Pants' first songs were recorded on answering machines.

Actually, our first song was written using messages left on our answering machine, not recorded on answering machines. I think this is a great illustration of the difference between the two bands. I couldn't sum it up any better myself.

It always strikes me how different everyone's take is on this album, and on our band in general. Much of this, I'm sure, has to do with our varying style. But I'm most stricken by how differently people hear our music than I do.

For example, I've always considered Human Machines to be one of our most straight ahead pop songs, but this reviewer considers it "bizarre." I've also always assumed that fans of Dino Love would like Human Machines as well. I lump them together, but obviously Matt Shimmer does not.

I've also never thought of our Jeremy cover as having a "lighter pop vibe."

I thank Matt for his faint praise of Graphite ("almost really good"). You see, one thing you might not know about my other two band-mates is that they are total Graphite haters. This is despite the fact that numerous individuals of impeccable taste has expressed their enjoyment of the song (including Lauren Lauren's very own MOTHER!). Maybe Matt's words will help to sway them back over to the side of good. Come on you two, it's "experimental and compelling," we just need to completely realize that fact.

High points of the review for me include the Bettie Serveert reference, "(usually) cute female vocals," "almost really good," and of course the affirmation that we in no way resemble Modest Mouse.

In the end, we're left with a wonderfully cherry-pickable review. Look for out of context quotes from this review in our press pack soon.

I'm encouraged that every reviewer seems to be able to find something they enjoy in our album, even if it's just the album art (thanks a lot East Bay Express). When we start releasing our ep's by genre (more on this later), I think those who find themselves in Matt's boat can procure a piece of work more to their liking.

Frankly, though, I think some of these reviewers could stand to take a lesson from this review. Now THAT'S how you review Ok Fine!

So far, our feats of meat have been pleasant. I would even go so far as to describe them as inspiring. Well, not this week. This thing is terrifying. And while its inventors should be applauded, as this is most certainly a feat of meat, I cannot fully support it. That face will haunt us all.

And if you don't find that meat face terrifying, I present to you even more Feats of Meat.......OF TERROR!

Does anyone know what they're making in this? It seems like a good project for the Feats of Meat Test Kitchen.

Myspace has become somewhat of a necessary evil for bands these days. You pretty much have to keep up a myspace page now for the sake of booking, press, and even to reach certain fans. It's like a standardized form that all bands are required to fill out in order to gain access to the club known as "legitimacy."

Now personally, I can't stand myspace. The site is terrible, it's down all the time, it's full of spammers and other creepy types, it's messaging system is horrendous, and the layout (even given some of the TOTALLY SWEET myspace layouts we're constantly barraged with emails about) is horrible. Not to mention the all the Murdochian issues with it. One of the many reasons I was excited to get this new site up and running was that it meant that I didn't have to use myspace as often (my lack of internetting skillz and overall laziness require an ease of updating that did not exist with the old site). But so many band, bookers, and press use it, that you have to keep up with it.

That said, I certainly will occasionally choose to check out a band's myspace page over their actual site. I know I will be able to instantly hear their music and see pictures/videos(I judge music mostly on looks, as should you).

So yes, a band's myspace page does have inherent value, despite the numerous problems. However, I read something recently that leads me to believe that things are getting ridiculous:

The Eureka Reporter was nice enough to wrie a short blurb about our show in Arcata a few weeks ago. Here's the relevant portion:

Apparently, there’s a new band out of Arcata called Blame the Factory, and they are playing with Shay’s Rebellion at Central Station in McKinleyville on Friday night. It should be worth going to just to check out the new meat, so new they don’t seem to have a MySpace.

On Saturday at the Alibi, Speaker Speaker from Seattle will grace the scene with driving indie pop, (3208 My Space friends). That show is 21+ and starts at 11 p.m.

Around the corner at Jambalaya, Universalia Jane will perform her melodramatic songs, the Rubberneckers will encourage people to drink and dance and Pants Pants Pants will please the crowd with electro-pop ballads (1063 MySpace friends). Fun times; get your dancing feet moving. That show starts around 10 p.m.

Skipping ahead to Tuesday, at the Little Red Lion, New Mexico-based rock group, Super Giant (9,361 MySpace friends) will be playing with L.A.-based metal group HDR (1,838 My Space friends) and Vancouver, Canada-based band, Pride Tiger (5,693 MySpace friends).

Notice anything strange here? Every out of town band's name is followed by the number of myspace friends they have. My only guess is that the reader is expected to judge the quality of the band by their friend count. Does this strike anyone else as disturbing? Is this really a good way to judge the quality, or even popularity of a band?

One of the other annoying things about myspace is the constant barrage of friend requests from bands all across the country. Some of these are fine, and it's great to hear from interesting bands around the country and to check out new music. But a lot of bands just roll around adding whoever they can in order to boost their friend count. You essentially have this giant network that exists solely to boost this new artificial barometer of "bigness." This is not news, but seeing this article gave the concept of a "friend count" a legitimacy that I've never seen before. It must be stopped.

I realize that the internet does not need another rant against myspace, and I apologize. I'm not trying to call out the author of this particular article either, I think this is a symptom of a larger disease.

I also apologize for using said rant to disguise my real horror and embarrassment at having the lowest friend count in that whole article. Or for pretending that we would be so noble as to keeping our myspace friend count low and accurate (I admit only to occasions of nobility here and there in the most egregious situations or really terrible bands). I'm just asking if we want myspace friend counts to become a new and accepted measure of a band. 'Cause that would be totally lame.

But seriously folks, friend us on myspace. This is embarrassing!

Apologies for the month long silence. Thankfully Lauren Lauren shook us from our slumber by calling 2/3rds of the band misogynists. Here's a little update on what's going on in the world of Pants Cubed:

We played a fantastic show in Arcata on May 31st. This was our first show in Arcata, having played Eureka the last time we were up there. The difference between the two towns is striking. Arcata seemed like a Northern California version of Blacksburg (my home town). Everyone was nice and we had a blast. Thanks so much to Clay of the Rubberneckers and the Jambalaya for putting us on such a sweet bill.

The Rubberneckers and Universalia Jane were great bands and very nice people. Universalia Jane cemented her place in our hearts with a song that began as a solo opera piece and ended as a fucking sweet metal song. In the middle were my tears of joy.

We camped on the beach and it was really nice. We wondered why we didn't camp more on tour. Now we know. We got up and celebrated Lauren's birthday with a stop at our favorite little breakfast joint in Arcata, and a long drive home. It was well worth the $100 in gas the trip cost us.

That may be our last show for a little bit, possibly until September 20th when John Staedler will be in town. Who knows though. I promise you that you'll be the first to know.

We're hard at work on some new material. We even debuted another song in Arcata, with much success. We're also working on a video for Tater Tot, and there should be some more biopics coming your way as well.

Speaking of videos, our newest video, Bonk Argh Bonk Dink Smash, will be in the Mission Creek Festival Video Showcase festival on July 19th. The Full House video got a wonderful response at this last year, and we're excited to be involved again.

I believe that's all the news I've got for now. We'll, of course, keep you updated on any and all Pants happenings.