The quest to find a more perfect jerky never sleeps. However, often times your quest can lead you down dangerous and frankly disgusting roads. The following is a cautionary tale (which is only really relevant to you if you, like the author, are a complete idiot).

I attended the Carrot Mob yesterday at K&D Market near my old apartment in the mission (a smashing success, by the way). While waiting in the comically long line I spotted a package of jerky that I did not recognize: "Stonewall's Jerquee: Hot Pastrami Style." Despite being without my usual jerky sampling compatriots, I knew I had to make the purchase and sample it for the good of the overall cause.

Now, as you can see from the picture, there are several items on the packaging that would clue you in to the fact that this is not your ordinary jerky. The most obvious being that it's called "jerquee" (the reasoning in my head at the time: "Sweet, this must be some sort of French style of jerky"). Also, the packaging also identifies the product as "A Vegetable Protein Product" and an "all natural jerky substitute." Obviously, they're not trying to hide anything.

That said, how could you not be duped by "hot pastrami" and the picture of the old winking 49er holding what appears to be a paintbrush? What is more convincing to you: all the "words" on the packaging or an old winking 49er and the word "pastrami?" That's what I thought. And don't try to tell me that this grizzled mustachioed prospector is chowing down on some "vegetable protein product" after a long day of panning for gold.

Ok, now that I've completed my pathetic defense of why I purchased this crap, here's the actual review: This is some nasty shit. I apologize for the harsh language, but it needs to be said. When I finally got home last night and sampled the goods I dry heaved for a good two minutes. It's not so much the actual taste; much like any soy based product, it just tasted like what you put on it. But the consistency is that of old styrofoam. It was actually popping and crackling in my mouth, and not in a good "pop rocks" kind of way. I'm sorry to report that I couldn't even complete the sampling process as I deposited the remainder of my sample in the garbage.

So this is the long version of me registering a "not recommended" for Stonewall's Jerquee. If you'd still like have a sample (since you like to play along at home will all of our jerky samplings), just take a styrofoam peanut, hold it over a flame for a couple of seconds, soak it in soy sauce, cayenne, and garlic powder, let it sit out in the sun for about three months, and then gnaw away. Just don't swallow it. PLEASE don't swallow it!

Technically we also need to get a ruling from Sysop and Lauren Lauren in order for this to be an official P3 jerky review, but frankly I think they should be let off the hook. It's not even official jerky! That said, I still have the package of jerquee, so if either of them are brave enough to try it, you'll find their take here.